hmmm

don't even remember posting that last post. i was pretty much out of my mind.
and i will say that i'm happy i made it to here. because looking back from my "sane" self now, I know I was in trouble. but i'm too hard headed to go anywhere truly. tho a lot of my deepest pain was in private.

shifted somewhat in may, for the fog to lift and me to coherently see the muck i had gotten myself in.

since then i'd say two steps forward, one half back, and that is still forward.

taking care of myself in more ways than I had been, but its a LOT of catching up to do.

feeling the "been there done that" of life, guess that's what happens at 43.

whatever is important to a person is always shifting. those things are rather new this time around.
a lot to be said for wisdom and age.

teaching art has been very rewarding in my 8th official year

dealing with education bullshit is not so much, but the awesome people i work with make it doable mostly.

all in all looking up and forward to every day. being in the moment is an art. it allows you freedom of being happy whenever you want to. i am learning to be in that space more often than not, and that can be quite joyful.

and oh yeah, i love my dog.

here we are well into 2012

this year has been.
a year. to remember. to forget.
of opening so much it hurts to close.
of being wounded so much you learn to love the wound pain, don't know how to give it up because of attachment.
that attachment SUCKS.
and life is fleeting. love is fleeting most of all.

now i'm back to being closed. let go of 3 important people i never thought i could live without.
i have a lot of friends, but they all have there special part and no one person can meet anyones every need. except myself.

i've been in terribly dark places recently. so dark, beyond the dark that i know i'm used to and can ride out like a power surfer on black tar.

its sad that i can't see hope. i cant smell it. i see no hint of it. i want to just give the fuck up.

but i guess i like breathing too much.

yep. i think i like breathing more than not.

so here i am. in 2012. i put commitments in front of me just so i have something to do, something to prepare for, a responsibilty to fullfill.

but the task at hand is getting used to and preparing for a life alone. no love out of loneliness again. or for any reason that i can see. it only leads to pain and suffering and the cost outweighed the good x 100 last go round. I'm just a sad sack and see no end in sight.

REalized that I don't know what happiness feels like anymore. Contentment, yes. very much. and that will do. but Happiness scares the shit out of me. bc then you can lose it.

that's all for today.