here we are well into 2012

this year has been.
a year. to remember. to forget.
of opening so much it hurts to close.
of being wounded so much you learn to love the wound pain, don't know how to give it up because of attachment.
that attachment SUCKS.
and life is fleeting. love is fleeting most of all.

now i'm back to being closed. let go of 3 important people i never thought i could live without.
i have a lot of friends, but they all have there special part and no one person can meet anyones every need. except myself.

i've been in terribly dark places recently. so dark, beyond the dark that i know i'm used to and can ride out like a power surfer on black tar.

its sad that i can't see hope. i cant smell it. i see no hint of it. i want to just give the fuck up.

but i guess i like breathing too much.

yep. i think i like breathing more than not.

so here i am. in 2012. i put commitments in front of me just so i have something to do, something to prepare for, a responsibilty to fullfill.

but the task at hand is getting used to and preparing for a life alone. no love out of loneliness again. or for any reason that i can see. it only leads to pain and suffering and the cost outweighed the good x 100 last go round. I'm just a sad sack and see no end in sight.

REalized that I don't know what happiness feels like anymore. Contentment, yes. very much. and that will do. but Happiness scares the shit out of me. bc then you can lose it.

that's all for today.

more interesting by the day

some things i've learned from life recently. say since 9/9/09

life is funny.

vibrations are being raised~or changing

the shifts in the earth/earthquakes/storms are causing some people to fall away from each other

i'm seeing it in all parts of my life

my work    bands

my play, friendships, my own and others' around me.

my family and to people i don't even know

its as if you could make a circle with say, 5 people in it. and connect them with other circles of 5 making a network of people who have interconnected relationships 

and BLAM! WHAM! the earth give way under their feet

some people float on their high vibration, some people sink, some people spin, but the entire circle shifts causing new relationships to form, but the same circles are there, they are just  all connected differently now. 

for a few years now, I've had an underlying sense of something beneath the surface. A sense of doom. Probably brought on and influenced by the politcs of the world and hard times financially. But now, I see blessings in my forced simpler life. Its causing me to PAY ATTENTION to something different. that I would not likely be paying as good attention to if it were easy right now. So that is good, because I need the self nourishment to make me strong for the more challenging times ahead. 

Those who are becoming evident as lightworkers in the new paridygm are supporting each other so they can help others as eyes begin to open. I will keep my eye on the "troubles" of the world spewed to people through their machines of control (media) but keep a distance so I don't get sucked up in the fearmongering. Those who choose to believe the lies perpetuated by greed and evil will be sucked up if we don't shine high in our vibrations for all to see.  

I feel blessed to be exactly where I am in this moment of time on this planet.
There is a lot I can do to help and it is what I'm here for.

;-P exhausted

work has me exhausted.

funny, I realize about myself, I don't want praise so much as acknowledgement of hard work.
boss apologized to me. sure it helps, but goddammit don't be rude and unappreciative in the first place! Must be nice to be the Princess of the school.

BUT trying to let it go. Want to go out tonight, but house is a mess. too much to do.
no response to painting class. need to go sell some stuff.

today right on track

Capricorn Horoscopes

(Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Yesterday | Today | Tomorrow

Thursday, Feb 4th, 2010 -- The emphasis in your life is shifting, adding importance to your interactions with associates at work and friends at play. This is a phase when you can reestablish your relationships in a way that makes more sense, but this isn't about any one individual. Instead, take time to contemplate your place within the larger network. Find a role that balances your own personal needs with those of your social and professional groups.

here is my horoscope for today..shifting indeed. seems like since the haiti earthquake things have been thrown up into the air and have turned and are configured into different kinds of relationships. all relationships have shifted, and i really feel like things are now on the right track. though its difficult maintaining a high vibration, I feel like I have new tools that really help me keep it together better.

with all the shifs regarding my household..i finally feel clear, but it will be hard to keep up work after work to make enough money to make rent. but yesterday I was surprised by a nice little surprise $ which helps a lot.

feeling like i'm wanting to develop my skills as a singer-songwriter and am happy to have mentors to lean on. playing with new people. makes me see my songs in a whole new light receiving new appreciation. ...its almost like i needed the band to get the gumption up to perform, and now, i'm ready to be on my own..although i do need a guitar accompanient...

jesus!

it was so bad to feel so lonely
so disaspointng..i feel like i know one thing for sure.
i can only count on myself.
and i know who i can and cannot count on
i hate it when people i love let me down in a big way
when yo want to help someone butcan't.
what a fucking hot mess.

i don't know what i'd do without tc right now.
just knowing there is a sane person who understands where i am coming from means the world.
blessed be.

time

time..never enough. frustrated at work. loving it, but i like to do a great job, not a half-ass one!
want to be playing music more.
today anyway.
feeling good now that hormones have leveled out.
saw ex bf yesterday. i am a glutton for punishment, but wanted to see if i could see him and not get upset.
amazing how INTIMATE you can be with someone and suddenly its just gone.
and how you put expetations on folks.
i feel that expectations make you miserable. really.

here goes...

so starting off my week.. i love teaching art. i love playing music. i am so blessed to be surrounded by deep friendships with amazing loving creative understanding people. all of whom appreciate great music. and i mean great live music. we create a web of beautiful energy together that perpetuates love and peace through music and creativity. it is healing. to us. to everyone we come in contact with.

of course there is a little family drama for those who choose to go there. but we are learning to rise above it.

i feel right now in my life that i am finally learning TEMPERANCE. how to use all of my elements together for the best good. efficiency has been up for me. mainly i believe because we don't have much time. we need to be READY for the shifts. they are more evident every day. the synchronicities are overwhelming on some days. everything that needs to happen IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. be careful of your words because THEY HAVE POWER.